Five Drastic Franchise Changes Nintendo Needs To Make To Survive

Nintendo is in ruins. If they don’t change the course they’re currently on, they’ll go bankrupt within the week. Not only will they go bankrupt, but they’ll trigger the apocalypse when they’re forced to close shop. My uncle works for Nintendo, and he told me that was the deal that Miyamoto secretly made with the de… Kazuo Hirai over the still burning ashes of Sega behind Microsoft’s Headquarters. The universe literally revolves around Nintendo and their actions are drastically changing the entirety of the space-time continuum. If they continue to stagnate the way they are doing now, we’re all done for.

That’s why I put together a contingency plan for them. Because I am literally the only person on the internet to have ever thought of improvements Nintendo could make to the franchises that have literally been the same since before any of us, even the Elders of the Internet, have been on this planet.

Pokemon: Killstreaks

Ah, Pokemon. A franchise that has not seen a single genuine change since the release of Red and Blue on the Gameboy Color.

Except for the run button, online battles, two-on-two battles, rotation battles, herds of random encounters, breeding, shinies, O Powers, Mega Evolutions, 3 new types, Pokemon belonging to more than one type, natural abilities, Pokemon having a nature that changes their stat growth, increase in use of status effects and (de)buffs, hold items, day and night system, weather conditions, calender events, genders, breeding, ¬†Pokeball customization, 3D graphics, trainer customization, online voice chat, comprehensive search functions for the Pokedex, EV training, online international trading systems… Absolutely not one single thing has changed or been added.

That is why in order to improve upon the formula that has become so stale not one single person even bothered to buy the last iteration of it, we need Killstreaks.

Yes, you read that right. Pokemon needs killstreaks. Two KOs in a row with one Pokemon lets you see what other Pokemon your opponent has. Three lets you instantly knock out one Pokemon of your choice. Four will automatically start an effect that gives damage to all the remaining Pokemon the opponent has. The counter for these streaks will carry over from battle to battle so long as your Pokemon doesn’t get knocked out. This makes the metagame a lot more balanced and fair, adding a whole new level of strategy for the pros.

Metroid: Vehicles

Remember when the original Metroid came out in the eighties and it was amazing how Samus was a girl and you could move both left AND right? Well, it’s 2013 now, and Samus is still a girl who can move both left AND right. This series has not evolved at all. We haven’t even gotten a chance to play as Boy Samus yet, how is this even progressive? Why is Nintendo promoting gender roles in the form of not letting me play as boy Samus?

The best way to bring Samus into the new age of modern gaming is to give him, yes him, a car. Something cool and military, like a jeep. This will allow him to not only go left and right, but also move forward, while bringing down the more realistic zombie creatures that the Metroids should be rebranded as with the guns he can carry, because a gun arm is stupid, limited to two at a time.

Pikmin: Towers, items, rankings, skins

Pikmin 3 was a really fun game and all, but why weren’t there extra characters hidden behind a microtransaction-based unlock system? Why weren’t there extra skins I could buy? And how can I ever know I’m doing good at this game if I’m not getting farmed while jungling so much?

This is stupid. There aren’t even any towers to destroy.

Nintendo, why aren’t you getting with the times? Don’t you know all serious strategy games need to have 5 on 5 multiplayer with towers these days? How else can your fans prove how pro they are if you don’t give them a ranking system and let them prove their worth as a human being to total strangers who absolutely hate them?

This is not acceptable anymore these days.

Mario: Animus

We all know Mario is a bit of a silly franchise, right? I mean, none of this can realistically happen. Nobody can literally jump from planet to planet. I’m the only one who has realized this, right? I don’t get how people can look at this and think it’s okay.

But don’t worry, I thought of a solution to this problem! Mario isn’t real! He’s a simulation that some other dude, some rebellious teenager kidnapped by an evil corporation is going through thanks to a machine called The Animus.

You see, this machine allows for the players to suspend their disbelief and brush it off as a thing that just happens because it’s all simulated! That way you can identify with the cool teenager as he has to sit through the painful experience of Super Mario Galaxy and know that it’s alright, none of it is really real.

The Legend of Zelda: Witty Banter

Man, The Legend of Zelda is a perfect series. The older games might be too hard and confusing, but those newer ones always give you just the right amount of information. The setting is awesome, and the main character can kill enemies with a sword, just like Master Chief can!

The only downside to the series is that Link doesn’t talk though. He should really talk more. I like games where the protagonist exchanges witty, sophisticated banter as if he’s in a coffeeshop at three in the afternoon on a pleasant summer day, while he’s actually talking back and forth with the female lead who can do everything he does but doesn’t because women shouldn’t do these things first if there’s a man around. Give Zelda a more active role and let her walk besides Link, talking back and forth with him, but not getting in my way as I play the game.

Even better, have her heal him, aid him, give her abilities she’s only allowed to use if I tell her to like summoning platforms for the hookshot, and point at things I would otherwise not see within the first three seconds of entering a room. It would make The Legend of Zelda so much more fun that way, and put Zelda in the role of a strong female character that she should be in.

Mother: Waifus

I never really got the popularity of the Mother series. It’s called Mother, but there’s no hot mothers? Add some hot waifus to the game. Why would anyone ever play an RPG if there aren’t at least two female characters who are attracted to the empty template main character with no redeemable traits?

Give me a game like Final Fantasy VIII, the best RPG ever made, and give me a main character I can completely relate to who is surrounded with all these amazing girls that are totally into him. The rest about that game was terrible though, I hated it.

Starfox: Adventures

Starfox: Adventures was the most perfect game ever released on a Nintendo system. It had all the best elements of the Starfox franchise, that no other Starfox game ever had before or since. It was like Beyond Good and Evil, but without the unrelatable female character. Why would I want to play as a girl? That’s stupid. I’d much rather play as a fighter jet pilot hero guy, roaming the lands with my big stick, like those guys from Top Gun, which is both my favorite movie AND game of all time.

Donkey Kong: Ditch it

Remember when Donkey Kong was relevant? Oh wait, it never was. This series has no charm. It never added anything to the gaming industry. There is no way to save this franchise, because it never had a leg to stand on to begin with. I really do not understand why it’s been around for so long as it has. As if it ever really did anything for Nintendo.


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