As I’ve been keeping myself active, ever moving onward, my biggest fear has always been finding myself trapped in a cycle. The difference between moving in a circle and moving forward is often hard to see. Especially when you’re smack-dab in the middle of a whole bunch of activities.

I just worded it that way to make it sound like I’m Clint Eastwood A Fistful of Dollars. It’s a nice image to see myself as, even though I know that I’m nowhere near as cool.

My fear is well grounded though. It’s only been half a year since I moved away from a series of terrible events. Making my first step forward, I’ve been on a path towards improvement. Even at points where I wasn’t entirely aware of it, things have been going in a good direction ever since.

Even now. Although I’m not entirely having good feelings about the next few steps.

There’s two cycles that, although they haven’t really formed yet, I’m trying to break away from. I can see them forming in the distance already, and the only thing that can break them are how I deal with everything that’s going to happen in the next couple of month.

I’ll start with the smaller cycle.

During the last month, I decided to live a more active, healthy lifestyle. It coincided with the start of the new year, although I’d been slowly moving towards it even before that. I’d just started getting spending money to get clothing and buy things I needed. I’d just gotten a computer of my own again. The new month was just around the corner. Everything was perfectly set up to do the things I wanted.

I can get books regularly again, so I decided to read 100 books this year, with a minor extra goal of 10 books a month. I don’t have to reach that goal every month to reach the 100 one. Good way to keep from setting the bar too high. There’s not much doubt if I reach that full 100, but if I do, I can raise the bar higher for the next year. I have similar goals with gaming, reading, making images, and writing.

So far, I’m clearing these goals. But I’m noticing a sort of drag setting in. I need to push myself to keep doing these things. This is normal. Right now, my home base is not an area of rest and peace. Which is something I generally need. It makes it harder to rest fully, which tends to lead to me being tired. Which in turn leads to apathy. I just have to break past that. Day by day. It’s not helping that I’m slowly reaching the point where my mind was to sit down and talk to me about everything that happened six months ago. I never really processed that in my own way. And I need a more restive living space to really deal with it fully first.

There’s been a few days where I felt like needing a break, and I’ve given myself a few days of just that. But after that it just becomes hard to get going again. As if I’ve been away for much, much longer. It’s too easy to let myself sink into an apathetic cycle of self-loathing. So I simply won’t fully rest until I’ve moved away again.

Which leads me to the bigger problem here.

Yes, we are transitioning here. Time to break out the warning.

Problem 2: The Move.

Moving is stressful. It’s even more stressful if you’re, using very sophisticated and technical lingo, moving from one poor home to another poor home. I’m not having any illusions about where I live now. It is for poor people. It’s also much more expensive than a conventional living space than regular housing. Which is just crazy, I know.

Here’s the thing though, the new place is even more expensive. And it’s not entirely sure if I can actually have an internet connection there or not. Officially speaking, they won’t allow it. But technically, it is possible to just ignore that and get one anyway. I know one person in one of the possible houses that I might move to, and she has a working internet connection that she just set up herself.

A more expensive living space would make it even harder to build up. One without working internet would make it even worse. Sure, there’s internet cafes, or even mobile internet, but using those on a regular basis would be a much too expensive alternative. Plus it’d make it even harder to find a different place to move to. Or manage all my things. In the Netherlands, almost all the major things in terms of welfare, taxes, housing is all done online. It wouldn’t just put a stop to fun things, it’d make life a lot more complicated.

It would also mean I’d have to put this blog on hold again. As well as all my other projects. Projects that are already not moving as fluently as I’d be able to if I had my own internet connection. Contacts I want to keep and build much stronger would have to sit in the freezer yet again. Just when I’ve finally gotten the ball rolling again. It’s just too frustrating to even think of having to drop it all over again. Basically, It’d also create the same problem of the smaller cycle.

Now add to this the fact you can only live there for a year. The place I’m at now, half a year. The shelter I was at before I got here? About three months. All of them are owned by the same organization. The high prices and the way they’re set up make it feel incredibly cyclical. Enough people find it impossible to break free from the cycle and just keep going back and forth from location to location. It’s hard to properly save up money when the rent is percentage based and scales up the more money you make.

I feel like I need to find a way out within the first few months of moving, or even find a possible alternative before I get there before finding myself stuck in the same cycle a lot of people I have met during the last half year.

So yes, I’m stressed at the moment. Because as it stands, I don’t understand the situation well enough to find a fitting solution to it. I’ve been stuck with this information for a month. Or rather, since October this was put up as a possible path and I decided to look for other ways forward instead. Failing to find one, I’m set to this course now. Now I’m left to stew for another week until I learn more.

At least it’s nowhere near as bad as some of the things I was facing a year ago. There’s a sure roof over my head. But I just can’t help but feel this situation should not be like this. This is housing for poor people, people who have come from the homeless shelter as an in-between spot before they move on with their life to regular housing. You can’t overcharge people like that to the point they can’t afford to actually move to regular housing. Yet somehow, that’s apparently exactly what’s happening.

There has to be a better way. And I am going to find it. Somehow.

* I wrote this post the night before posting it. A few changes have come up since:

First of all, financially, my situation is looking better now. Moving there should be completely viable, although it’s still only just barely. Internet is still a tough one to solve, although a few solutions have shown themselves already. It’s just a matter of figuring out the best one right now.

Second. Oh boy. I’ve been robbed. So I’ve got less money to deal with right before moving. I’m pissed off about it, but it’s not changing my opinion about my current housing or the people I’m sharing it. Probably because of that, I’m not as angry as I’d expect myself to be right now.


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