Guest Post: Sam G’s Bizarre Adventure

This week is Guest Post Week on my blog. With the end of the year in sight, we’ll be going out in style. Or out of style.

Whichever ever way we go, the way is led by none other than Sam G!

And yes, I’m equally lost with this one.


Hark an' well met, motherfuckers. Sam G's running this bitch.

Okay, so, like, Dutchy told me to write something for his blog, an’ I was like, “What,” an’ he was like, “Man, whatever, so long as it fits the vibe of the rest of the blog,” an’ I was like, “Shit! I don’t even read this guy’s blog!” But then I took a glance over it, an’ I realized my post would have to be basically one of a few things:

  1. Describing a past experience which I thought was really brilliant, but kind of actually wasn’t
  2. Whining about how hard my life sucks (this one was gonna be difficult, as my life’s actually pretty great)
  3. Gushing about how great some obscure game you’ve probably never heard of, ’cause it’s pretty underground, man
  4. Taking something which a lot of people like and explaining to them how it sucks and why it’s actually wrong of them to like this thing

Naturally, two was out right off the bat; four fits pretty well with my naturally antagonistic nature, but it dawned on me that nobody was really gonna give a shit about me moaning about how crappy A Nightmare Before Christmas actually was for twenty or thirty paragraphs; three, again, was ruled out via the fact that it would make me come across as kind of a pretentious fuck, and I didn’t want to steal Remy’s shtick; and so, this left only one. Fortunately, I felt I had the perfect event in mind.

Okay, so this tool, right – the one with the blog – he Skype’d me up one day, sayin’ something about this, like, book of the dead or some shit. Supposedly it’d give him, me an’ whatever other motherfucker he roped into this escapade unlimited power, or immortality, or some crap (I wasn’t paying that much attention). Then he started moaning about his roommate or something, and I spaced out for a bit, and then he started talking about raising the dead again, so I spaced in for a little bit, and then some boring shit happened which you don’t wanna read about an’ then I grabbed Ellie and my kickass gunblade an’ got on a motherfucking boat!

Okay, so, like, we were on this boat, and then Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 3 happened. Literally the whole of JJBA Part 3. Ellie got infected by some planty-virus-Stand shit, but of course, there were only two of us, so we had to double up on roles an’ she had to be the Arabian guy as well, an’ we burned a guy to death, who then turned out to be Tilly (yay) who joined us on our journey, an’ we killed a shitload of people, an’ then the boat we were on was actually a monkey’s Stand, so we beat the shit out of that as well, but then I forgot what happened in the reast of Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure so the boat arrived at our destination an’ we disembarked in the Netherlands.

Remy was there. It was alright, though; he mostly busied himself with Ellie (if you know what I mean, bow chicka wow wow) so Tilly and I were kind of stuck with fighting everything. There were, like, ghosts, man. Vampires an’ shit. O’ course, Tilly’s Irish, so he just punched everything and bit them with his teeth an’ that was a pretty decent way of doing things, an’ I did an assload of dramatic flips an’ gunbladey-laserbeam cuts an’ things, an’ at one point I was like “TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER!” an’ I did this spinny-backflip thing an’ kicked a skeleton in the head and fucked his shit thoroughly up, an’ on one occasion Tilly just out of nowhere started beatboxing, an’ I busted a sick rhyme an’ the wights we were combatting couldn’t even do anything an’ they just got shot to hell.

This was the point at which Remy, who was too preoccupied with being useless to defend himself, got himself kidnapped by this ho’:

Seriously, what the hell is this thing?

I tried seducin’ her, but that didn’t really work, as my dick just passed clean through her in the literal sense, rather than the metaphorical sense as was my intention, an’ then Ellie was all makin’ as if to avenge her man but unfortunately the ghost floated, like, three feet above the ground, so Ellie wasn’t capable of catching her (you see, here I am making a clever allusion to her height. This is very funny), an’ due to Tilly’s steady influx of alcohol over the course of the journey he, too, was incapacitated – usually it just made him stronger and more courageous, and hence a more capable warrior, but given that we’d been questing for about three weeks now it had built up somewhat, so now all he wanted to do was tell the ghost she was his friend and lie down a bit.

Naturally, it dawned on me that at this point I would have to use my ultimate power. Without further hesitation, I cracked on my Kamen Rider henshin device an’ pressed all the buttons on it an’ shouted “HENSHIN!” or some variant on that (knowing me, it was probably “HENSHIN, MOTHERFUCKER”) and then everybody else transformed, an’ then everybody else transformed, an’ then all of a sudden the sexy ghost was a crab, an’ then this happened:

So yeah, that was brilliant. The bitch exploded, an’ this was the point at which we spied the Necronomicon. We nabbed it, an’ then Remy did some shit with it that I wasn’t paying all that much attention to, an’ then we returned home! Rest easy, heroes! Woo!

There. That any good, Dark Remy?

No, really. What the hell is going on in this post?

Yes. That meets greatly with my fruition. Soon, my evil plan shall come about, and all the world shall shudder at the acknowledgement of my presence! Ahahahaha!

2 thoughts on “Guest Post: Sam G’s Bizarre Adventure

  1. Pingback: Ellen Rhode

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