I often feel like there’s two versions of me existing at the same time. They’re both opposites, and what they both want is absolute. Neither side ever gives an inch, and they’ll do whatever they can for control.
One side isn’t fond of life. He doesn’t believe things will ever get any better. There’s a strong sense that the best things lie in the past, and those feelings will never be met again. It’s my dark, negative side. Negative Remy wants to disappear completely. Not to die, commit suicide, or be killed. Just to slowly fade away out of existence. There will be no sadness, anger, or happiness as a result. It’ll be perfectly fair and normal.
The other side strongly believes in life. He believes things will get better. That as long as I hold on and keep moving forward, never giving up, things will get better. That whatever has happened in the past will seem small and petty compared to what I can make happen in the future. Something out there will make everything worth it. All I need is patience and strength.
Then the first part comes back again and tells me that I’ve already done this. I’ve already gone through hell and back and then again. I’ve already seen great days after a long period of misery. And it’s led me back to the first state, full circle.
Everything you built up can be lost again.
Hey, you don’t even feel human anymore.
Then the other side reminds me of what I’m capable of, and how abilities like these should help me edge a world of my own that would allow me to live comfortably. That if I focus, and keep moving, keep working, keep trying, stay active, and never stop, it’ll all work out, and it works so long as I don’t stop. Stop.
And the negative side drags me back. Remember how you burned bridge A and ended up ending friendship B? Sooner or later this is going to happen to your current friend circle too, you know? History repeats itself.
Before I can even reclaim my own thoughts the other side retorts that friends will always come and go. I’ve made new friends since losing the old ones, and I’ll always keep doing this.
In the meantime, I’ve gone to bed. Too tired to keep up with these two inner versions of myself. They tire me out, cover me in a thick layer of fatigue.
That writing thing’s not going to work either you know?
No, it is. You’re reviewing stuff for another site. You’ve had people look forward to your word works. You can make it work. Just keep at it.
They say that hell is other people. I don’t need them to create a hell. I’ve got these two inner voices, bickering back and forth. The worst thing is that they’re me, and I know my biggest fears.
You would think that with these two inner voices I’d stay grounded easily. But it’s hard battling these two extremes. The one moment it seems like everything will be shiny, gold, and fantastic forever. The next it feels as if I’m living in Harrenhal, and I’ve got my own ghosts.
There’s only one way I’ve found to get a balance between the two and that’s to be active. In a sense, I feel as if I need to distract myself from myself in order to get anything done. As soon as I let my inner voice communicate with me, there’s no chance of getting anything done. I’m either going to be overly enthusiastic and in too playful a mood because everything’s going to be okay anyway, or I’ll feel to inadequate to get anything done.
As soon as I’ve got something to focus on, the two sides seem to share the workload. They’ll work together to create a much more balanced and deep form of thought than I’d otherwise be able to present.
That’s kind of what my last post about Geometry Wars hinted at. I need to distract myself from my own thoughts to think properly. Then I start getting ideas such as writing the blog posts I’ve been putting up on here. Or any decent idea I’ve had in recent memory.
So why don’t I do this all the time then? Because it takes a lot of energy to align those two mindsets. I can only keep up with Geometry Wars for half an hour. An hour at most. Writing requires my full attention as well, and once I get started my mind will fully focus on that too, but in order to write properly, I need to be alone so nobody bothers me. Otherwise I need to go through the whole process of refocusing my mind again.
Normally I wouldn’t talk about this openly, but I recently tapped the subject lightly on my Tumblr, where it got a nicer response than I expected it to. Then I remembered that this is the exact thing that’s hinted at on The Nerdist all the time with the mindset where everyone’s a workaholic just to distract themselves from their thoughts.
Maybe I need to get like that too. That time I tried to kickstart my blog with daily posts while at the same time writing a book was easily the time I felt best about myself this entire year. Due to certain things beyond my control it didn’t last long that time.
Perhaps I need to do something as extreme again.
I have got several project ideas I want to get started. And I have this blog. An unfinished book on my USB stick. Biweekly reviews… Just keep going, and going, and going, until things seem much better…