It’s been a crazy couple of months, but the crazy is finally over. Looking back, I can hardly believe all that’s happened in the last year. It’s been busy. I remember how a year ago, life felt like it was standing still. I remember how a year ago, I stepped aboard a plane for the first time in my life. I also remember that one year ago, for the first time, I had this feeling life was set in movement again. It never did stop moving. And a hurricane of ups and downs ensued.
There’s no two ways about it, after that vacation in England, after the Escapism event, things never were the same again. From that moment on, it was like life came back, woke up, had coffee, and then whacked me upside the head. Several months after that vacation I moved over to England to pick up where I left off and start a new life. Before that time, I’d mostly given up on life. I didn’t really have much in terms of ambitions. I didn’t want anything. I didn’t really like much. I just existed, and that was about it for me. The time I spent living in Sheffield had its ups and downs. Near the end of it there were more downs than ups. Especially when I got the job that was reluctant with paying me. A massive problem considering I was behind on rent and was completely broke.
In the end I moved back to the Netherlands with help from my family. Not the best move I’ve made. I already knew this wasn’t going to work out before I went back, I’d already lived with my family, but part of me thought it’d be only temporarily, soon enough I’ll be heading back and move on with my life again.
Well, it was temporary. I moved into my aunt’s place for a month. It was a massively uncomfortable time. Conversations were barely possible, as they’d often enough lead to massive tangents for no reason. Saying you liked a documentary about a Japanese classic from the 60s (Yojimbo) would lead to Wikipedia backed tangents that could lead to threats of getting kicked out of the house because you are wrong. Having my social media profiles and website scanned more frequently than I can even use them myself did not help there. It lasted a month, and then she decided to kick me out. The only surprise there was that it happened a week or two later than I expected. I knew it was going to happen before I even moved.
I moved to in with my mom after that. I was a bit more hopeful about staying there for a longer time, but not that much more confident either. I don’t really a good history at my mom’s place, not too many good memories there either. But that’s for another time and place, there’s some things that went on there in my childhood that I just can’t say. Or rather, I can, but would just rather not. This time around it wasn’t quite as dramatic as that, but it still wasn’t that great. I was looking for work, with no success. Was doing other stuff, with no success. Music or videos with headphones on would lead to complaints and then needed to be turned down to the point of being inaudible. There was constant yelling and screaming, thanks to my two little brothers, who I shared a room with. The jobhunt had me walking through the city almost as much as the old direct sales job in England had me. Fights were common. It reached a point where I was given 2 weeks to get a job and a place to stay and get out.
It’s also the point where my thoughts started to go towards suicide. I’ll admit, it’s hardly the first time my thoughts went there, they had been there often enough during my childhood. But they never got anywhere near that serious.
Funnily enough, it wasn’t until then that most of the worse news started circling me, like vultures spotting an easy prey.
Friends were offering help in getting me out of from there, trying to have me make promises so I wouldn’t go through with it. Part of me wanted to get out of the mess by my own power. Part of me couldn’t be bothered anymore because everything felt completely pointless.
When I finally seemed to be climbing out of it, things got worse. If it wasn’t for the help from the friends I have, I most likely would not be alive right now. Several times my mind was determined to go through with it. End it. Finish it. The thing that kept stopping me was a fear of failure. This is something you really don’t want to do wrong. You don’t want a failed attempt. People will know. They’ll try to stop you. They’ll likely make your life even harder after. I was waiting until the moment I was kicked out to go through with it. That’d be most easy.
In the meantime, friends were planning to come over to the Netherlands on a boat and kidnap me.
I’m glad they didn’t. It’s a silly idea. Not to mention cost inefficient. And convoluted. I still wonder how they planned on finding me, had they gone through with it. It’d need a hell of a lot of planning, cost a lot of money… Not to mention how guilty I’d feel for having them go through all of that, just to save my self-pitying ass.
I kept quiet about all of that towards my family. They’ve jumped every opportunity they had to tell me how useless my so-called friends are, even to the point of threatening to immediately kick me out if I’d get their help.
The plan we ended up going for ended up being a plane ticket to Ireland, and staying with a friend, Jacob, there. Which is where I currently am. In Ireland.
I’m going to let that sink in. Also for myself, because… Well… Wow.
You should see the views here. They’re incredible. Just, for a moment, google some pictures of Irish scenery and let’s pretend I have a camera with me and took all of those photos. Incredible, huh?
I remember being aboard the plane and looking down at the landscape below. I hadn’t seen much on the way here, it being an incredibly cloudy day and all. But when land finally showed itself, it made more than up for its earlier absence almost immediately. Patches of farmland overlapping each other like an unruly coat that’s been patched up with different green and brown pieces of cloth too many times. Homes scattered around them, seemingly at random. Roads creeping their way between the patches of land like snakes. People were sitting in front of the small windows of the airplane with cameras. I would have done the same, had I had a camera on me.
The way home from the airport was a long one, with many stops for errands and whatnot along the way. I really didn’t mind. It gave me a good chance to see up close what I’d been staring at from way up in the sky. In the meantime several major history lessons were told and Pratchett was read. This was the calm part of the day.
The less calm part of the day involved people wrestling on the floor while watching Game of Thrones. A fight that at some point involved blankets and ghosts.
I think it’s safe to say that these are interesting times.