Work has started up again. After just two days of it, I’m feeling dead tired and massively unsatisfied already. It’s not much help that we’re understaffed and that there’s extra chores to do because the kitchen has to start up from scratch either. The severe lack of sleep I had on the first day just made the whole thing even more perfect.
I’m trying my best not to slip into my old pattern, but it’s hard to that when you’re surrounded by the overwhelming amount of negativity that comes from the people I’m working with. Still, I’m somehow managing. I haven’t snapped yet, and all the good things I’ve learned recently and have tried to keep up with are starting to pay off.
Still trying to slowly get my spin though. I’m not fully used to being back yet, and I already have to work twice as hard as usual. So at the moment I’m pretty much a wreck. I’m trying my best not to let it flow into Twitter or anything else as much as possible at the moment. Sadly, this also means I don’t really have the energy or mind to really put out a proper blog. Luckily, I had this short story prepared that I wrote before vacation time started.
Yes, it’s a cheap cop-out to keep up with this update schedule that I started. Hopefully it’s good enough. I haven’t posted any stories of myself publicly like this, and I must admit I wasn’t entirely sure where to take it.
Anyway, here goes…
Dr. Sharp’s Scientific Experiences!
An in-depth look into the experiences of science,
From the point of view of science,
Written for those with interest in science.
Not to be confused with Dr. Sharpness’s guide to cutting edge weaponry.
“You’ll never get away with this!”
That’s a line you’ll encounter a lot in my line of work. Taking into account you’re only supposed to hear this once, it’s funny to see how many times you come across it during your career. I’ve started counting the times certain things have been said to me by heroes. That one line alone has been said to me 49 times.
It’s not easy being an evil scientist. Not many would devote themselves to science the way that we have. This is why I decided to leave behind a record of my experiences for the next generation of “super villains”. Given our love for knowledge, I’m sure quite a lot of you would be interested in my experiences. If you pay any attention to the contents of this book, you might learn a thing or two from it. I’ve gone through as much effort as I can to leave behind an accurate portrayal of my works. This includes all the stupid mistakes and errors that I have made.
I’ve made mistakes during my time, I’m sure we all have. I’m not talking accidentally relocating a human being across the city using a transmatter ray that wasn’t configured correctly. That’s something every proper scientist will encounter at least once. It’s almost an initiation ritual. If you can’t take the sight of an innocent bystander in the shape of mixed liquids, you are not in the right line of work. There’s a lot you can learn from a plastic bag of human liquids. Messing around with it is invaluable when it comes to better knowledge on particle rays and floatational devices. If you don’t see how, you’re clearly not been in this line of work for long. Don’t worry however, this book provides stories that will not only come to good use with the top scientists, but the starting frog dissector as well.
One thing I want to make clear before jumping into my first experience as an evil scientist. I don’t believe we are villains. A proper, true villain performs evil deeds for personal gain, or in some cases, the thrill or fun of it all. A true evil scientist, does it all for science. To gain a better understanding of science. To create a world in which we can all live together, aided by science. It’s these moronic peasants who keep getting in our way with how they dislike the changes our inventions bring that drive us to become evil. Yes, we are evil. The public doesn’t like us much, and what goes against the public is evil. Look at nature and you’ll see that everything humans as a collective fear or do not like are labeled as evil vile things. Yes, we strive against a lot of the things mankind is in favor of. Most of which is broken, diseased, rotting. Mankind likes to hold onto the vile sickness that is destroying it and curses us for taking it away from them, like a baby cries when his mother takes its candy away from it.
That being out of the way, let’s move on to my first job as an evil scientist. I had done things in the name of science before this, but I hadn’t come up with my persona just yet. I cannot advice you enough to get your own evil persona before stepping into this line of work. It helps you from stepping outside yourself and sealing off your emotions so they won’t interfere with your work. My persona, as you all know, is Dr. Sharp. I’ve made it a point sharpness come back in my act at all times. From my punctuality, to my clean, slick, jet-black lab coat and white lab goggles. It also ties into this thing I have with sharp objects, most notably knives. I made it a point to always include sharp knives in every major scheme I’ve made. Back then however, I hadn’t discovered the joy of knives yet.
I had just finished my first transmatter ray and gave it a test run by using it to rob a bank. I hadn’t given the flashy entrance style much thought yet and had thought it would be a better idea to sneak in from the back. After relocating the walls to a hiding place I hoped nobody would find (one that I’m still reluctant to sharing with my readers at this point as it still has its uses to this day). It was a fairly easy job, in and out, firing the transmatter ray at all the money. I did accidentally relocate a guard at one point; I hadn’t thought of bringing proper weaponry along. When I got to the hiding point, the guard was literally all over the money. Only a portion of the money turned out salvageable, I hadn’t had the heart to use liquefied guard money to fund a proper hideout.
Once back at my house, I was met by two unfamiliar people sitting on my bed. A man and a woman. Both of them were wearing a cape and mask. It looked quite silly, looking back. A caped hero with his busty side-kick sitting in a bedsit, waiting for the a ungoggled, hoodie wearing evil scientist. At least, that’s looking back on the thing now. Back then, the sight terrified me. I had just been caught by a hero! This is why you should always keep your registered address and hide-out separate.
“Ah, so we meet at least!” the caped hero said as he got up. He was having a hard time not getting his cape caught in… well… anything. It was a rather small room. I just stood there, in dead silence.
“So you have nothing to say for what you’ve done?” he said, raising an eyebrow. The girl was still sitting on the bed, smoking a cigarette. She didn’t really seem to be into it all that much. Probably a girlfriend dragged along in a costume. I immediately wished I had kidnapped her to give her a more active role in the whole situation.
“N-n-n-now l-l-look here… I d-don’t know w-w-what you’re d-d-d-doing here, but you’ve got the wrong guy!” I stuttered. I tried walking up to him, but my legs pretended they’d never heard of the concept. The floor hurt hard when I tripped and landed face first into it. It got some laughter from both the hero and the masked girl next to him.
“And here I was afraid we might be facing a reclusive mastermind!” The hero said as he rolled his eyes. Something grabbed my attention in the corner of the room, I managed to grab it as I was grabbed and pulled up.
“Now you listen to me. You’ve made a fool of me here. This is an embarrassment. No hero should ever step inside a place like this, or be forced to beat up someone as pathetic as you. Now why don’t you kindly give me the money so I can return it to the bank. I’ll give them a nice little story, tell them you fought bravely. That you were a worthy adversary. Makes us both seem a little less pathetic to the public. Whaddaya say?”
I aimed the Zapper at his face. “Never.”
The trigger got pulled twice. The hero looked shocked a moment. It didn’t take long before shock turned into rage.
“What do you think I am? A duck?! You’re firing a piece of Nintendo plastic at a hero and hope that’s going to win you any points?!”
In his rage, he tried throwing me across the bedsit. I didn’t get thrown far, the room was much too small for it. The lack of distance made landing against the wall much more painful. Back on the ground, I saw the object I had hoped to see the first time. I made a mental note of changing the design of objects after changing the insides around. I struggled to get to my feet. They were about to walk out when the hero turned around and saw me standing in the middle of the room, pointing another Zapper at his face.
“Now look, this stopped being funny. There really must be a lack of villains if someone like me, Super Bob, has to fight the likes of you. It’s almost depre–”
I fired the Zapper. A purple ray, covered by smaller beams of light blue electricity flew towards Super Bob. His body was shaking while emitting a strange blue light before his body hit the floor. Dead. The girl looked at me in horror. I thought she was going to scream. Instead she just stood there, shocked. I think this was the first time she actually looked at me.
“I-it’s a uhm… A…”
“Deathray?” She asked.
“Yeah… a Deathray.” I said, while looking at it. “Previously untested.”
It was a success. My first proper heist and battle with a hero. The girl stuck around for a bit. Apparently she got a kick out of danger. She left me a week later for the excitement of Racerman. Call it jealousy all you want, I still feel that’s more of a name for a rejected Robot Master from Mega Man. I did have my revenge when we crossed paths later on during the fight for control over a small tropical island, but I will go into further detail about that at a later time.
With the new fortune that I had acquired from robbing a bank, I searched the internet for more gadgets. Back then I still lacked the experience to realize a proper evil scientist should create his own constructions, rather than eBay them. I hastily ordered a bunch of objects and tried them all out during the next bank heist. After this I learned about the importance of testing out your inventions and gadgets before using them in a serious situation. I’m sure the guards are still telling stories to their friends about much younger and less experienced Dr. Sharp shooting frozen fish out of a pink raygun and how I slipped and fell over them shortly after. There’s probably also stories about that “new and improved” transmatter ray that had me running out of the bank naked shortly after.
Each new mistake was a learning experience however, and it wasn’t too long until I was back creating my own inventions and pulling proper heists. Admittedly, one of the major reasons I had to set back to this was the lack of funding. I had spent all my money on pre-made Evil Scientist gear on eBay. Taking those gadgets apart did prove to be worth the while however, and I learned a lot of things that would come to use for future inventions. Also, a small amount of the money had gone to my first proper lab coat and goggles costume. They were cheap Dr. Insanium merchandise pieces however, and the lawsuit later on nearly ended my career as an evil scientist. So I think it’s important that I tell you this now: a real scientist uses no shortcuts and makes everything himself. Clothing included. I don’t care if you synthesize, clone or even knit it yourself, you need to make your own costume.
Taking all the previously learned lessons into account, I decided to try to go for a proper plan. Not just a single bank job, that’s too simple. I wanted to go for something slightly bigger. I had seen reports of other scientists toying with mind controlling devices, and noted how they always failed. It usually had to do with the mind slaves blindly following orders, even when it would prove detrimental to continue. The biggest problem had to do with the lack of imagination. You’re giving a puppet a direct order and he’ll try to follow it in the most direct way possible. There are too many ways that can go wrong. So instead, I created my now patented Brain Controlling Device. For those who haven’t heard of it, it’s a device that sends waves telling people’s subconsciousness to do something. Instead of reverting to a zombie-like state, they’ll believe that they want to do whatever it is you are telling them to do yourself. This way you not only have someone who is fighting for your cause “out of their own free will”, but they’ll still be able to act like human beings and maintain their problem solving and imaginative features. Sadly, this also means they’ll be able to act like human beings and maintain their problems and their imaginative fallacies. Forget what I said earlier, you are not to try to create one yourself. I own the rights to this invention, and I will personally take you and your henchmen down to size if you do try to steal my idea.
The plan was simple, have the entire city donate all of their money to me out of their own free will. I called it “scientific tax”. Sadly, I hadn’t found a proper test subject to try it out on, instead I just turned the thing with the right information and hoped to see what happened.
Pure chaos is what happened. I hadn’t gotten the frequency right, and for some reason every single household pet was going berserk. People fled from their homes to escape from their pets. Some of them forgot to keep their doors and windows closed as they left them. There were people running, screaming in panic as cats chased them down alleyways. Parrots assaulted unexpected children out of nowhere. A few illegally owned exotic animals took over a street together and just guarded the area religiously.
I looked outside, it was my street they were guarding. Somehow they seemed to understand I had given them this freedom and decided to guard me in order to keep things like this. Without hesitation, I started phase two of my plan. A good scientist knows how to go along with a favorable position. I hadn’t decided if this was favorable enough yet, but decided to see where it would take me. I got a few of my weapons and appliances ready. A freeze gun attached to my left hand. The zapper in my right hand. Transmatter ray on my back. Micro-sized Megaphone inserted in my glove. Trust me, those things can be a real life saver. Although if you don’t learn how to turn them on or off, they can pretty much foil your entire plan.
As I made my way outside, all of the animals outside started to turn their attention towards me. The chaos stopped as if in a wave that quickly spread across the city. An almost jungle-like silence lingered through the air. It took a while before people noticed what the animals were paying attention to and a crowd started gathering. That’s the fun thing with most people, the moment they have a chance to form a crowd, they will. Deciding one form of greeting would be better than none, I raised my fist. There was no response, everyone just stood there in complete shock. There weren’t that many big schemes being pulled my mad or crazy scientists in the area. Unlike cities like New York where you would have to pull the sun closer to the Earth or carve your initials into the moon to get any attention from a crowd. This crowd was child’s play.
I lowered my fist and held it in front of my mouth, it felt silly doing that at the time. I’ve adjusted to using the Micro-sized Megaphone now, but back then this was new territory. Just as I was about to speak, a distant voice shouted out.
“Stop right there!”
Just what I hoping to see, a hero appearing in the nick of time as always. How I hate that. In the nick of time is just another way of saying fashionably late, another phrase I can do without. Either you’re on time, you’re too late, or you’re a damn hero.
“Ah, what a heroic entry you’ve given yourself. Way up there on the rooftop, far, far away from the animals down here. I do hope it’s not too cold up there?”
Several people in the crowd laughed. That’s good, you have to alienate heroes from their crowds. Makes them vulnerable and prone to making mistakes.
“So, plan on telling me what your plan is with this? Or do we get to skip that and let me, Captain Cable beat you up and lock you away for good?”
Several people started murmuring now. Apparently Captain Cable is a big deal. Someone you don’t want to mess around with, or be around when someone else does.
“You’re planning to beat me up from way up there, how are you planning to do that?”
He jumped down. He calmly took something that was attached to his belt and aimed it at the opposite building. It looked like a gun. He fired it and managed to hit my window. A wire was hanging out of the window now, and he slung right into another window a few floors down. Glass was coming down like rain, people were fleeing the scene. A few animals did as well. Tons of people got hurt from the falling glass badly, but not the hero. Oh no, nothing ever happens to the hero out of their own stupidity.
It took me a while to realize that I had no more control over the animals either, they were wild again. They no longer fought for me. Still, they didn’t attack me or try to get in my way. Maybe it was out of respect for the little fun I had given them before. Maybe they were too tired and just wanted to get back home. I’ll probably never know.
Before I knew it, the hero tackled me and disarmed my weaponry. He also beat me up severely. It took several months for me to recover in the hospital before I was in any position to be thrown into jail again. Jail wasn’t too bad, although I didn’t stay long. After a week or two I found out how to create C4 out of prison food and a fork. I’m not explaining how I did that. Any scientist worth his salt should figure that one out.
The whole thing had me craving for revenge. I would have to start all over again, but this time I’d deal with the pesky heroes first. Starting with Captain Cable…